Zul's Revolving Door

If you don't already have the title of "The Patient", and suddenly find yourself very impatient to get it, all you need these days is to queue into a random ZG/ZA, and stick through all the personnel changes.  Before you're done with the instance, you'll have your shiny new title - because you're going to group with 50 or so cowardly toons who will join and leave so quickly that you'll be unsure if they ever actually set foot inside the instance.  It's a mystery that I have yet to unravel.

Last night looked very promising.  I logged on, and IMMEDIATELY queue for my random ZG/ZA, since the DPS average wait time is back to 30 minutes or so again. But a more immediate offer came through Guild Chat.

"I'm a tank. Anyone for a random ZG/ZA?"

Three DPS (myself included) immediately accepted the offer, giving us a 4-man group only lacking a healer.  With no healers immediately available in the guild, we went ahead and queued, and quickly picked up a PUG healer who had never run the ZG dungeon selected for us.

"I've never been in here, just so you know." He admitted.
"All you need is a high tolerance for wipes." I responded.
"No problem there."

We made our way past the poison clouds and bees to the first big stupid wooden mask, who killed one of my DPS Guildies with his laser vision. Guildie immediately quit/logged/dc'ed/died or something. He was GONE. At least he was smart enough not to stay online where we could have berated him in guild chat for being spineless.

After killing the big stupid mask and moving right along to the snake brothers and their green cauldron, more trouble lie in store for our group. Despite me specifically stating not to let the green debuff run out (important info our virgin healer needed to know), our other DPS Guildie did not heed my warning, let it run out, and got himself dead.

"That's all I can take." he said, and left the group.  Really? That's all? One death? How did you EVER manage to level to 85?

"What is UP with our Guild leaving the group?!" I asked the tank, now the only other member of our Guild still with me.

"I don't know. I only joined the guild 15 minutes ago." He said.
"Oh. Welcome! And, uh... we aren't ALL spineless quitters and cry-babies."

While waiting for a fresh set of DPS, we moved on into the next room where the High Priest with his green poison maze awaited.  Things got weird at that point.

A good set of people joined. Lots of shiny gear, with smoke and glowing bits sticking out here and there. They looked pretty dangerous. I was feeling positive about it.  Then our virgin healer DC'ed. Could've been an internet problem, because nothing was really happening and he'd been doing fine up to that point.

The new healer arrived, and I quickly Soul Stoned him and buffed with Dark Intent. But before the tank could pull, the healer was gone - he'd zoned back to SW and was in the Trade District - and would not respond to our messages of "Are you coming?!?"  Finally he quit the group. I was gape-mouthed. Friggin healer ran off with my Soul Stone! (In a previous post, I wrote that I hoped that they were building an extra-deep pit in hell for Soul Stone Quitters. - If they've completed it yet, they can test the depth of it by tossing in THIS GUY first.)

While the tank was trying to ask why the healer left, the rest of the new shiny gear crew did the same.  They all took off.  I don't get it, and neither did he. Why spend 30 minutes in queue, just to enter a zone, stare at a boss for less than a minute, then quit without even making an attempt?

"Is there a revolving door in here?" I asked.

The tank requeued us again, and we picked up two very unassuming DPS and new healer. The two DPS had none of the prior quitters shiny smoking flashy fancy gear. They looked fresh out of a regular instance.  Per my usual policy, I didn't bother to review their gear though, or even look at what type of DPS they were. I just made another check of my buffs to be sure everything I needed was up, gave the new healer Dark Intent (no Soul Stone of course - still on CD), and then the Tank pulled Mr. Poison Maze before anyone else had a chance to quit.

I went from being #1 DPS with my 11.5K to just about dead last.  Because our two new unassuming DPS toons were rocking 29K each. It was CRAZY! Mr. Poison Maze only got to go through one cycle.  When he came back down from the top of his stairs, he died while he was still in that stunned crouch.

Suddenly, things were looking a LOT sunnier. ZG became a faceroll. These guys were killing trash before I could get my first spell off.  I knew at that point that I was just along for the ride.  We killed the boss that rides the dino-bone mount without ever bothering to kill the mount (thereby picking up the achievement). We rolled over cat-woman and everyone else in our way.  And we were done in a very short amount of time.

Ultimately, I guess it worked out that a pile of people dropped in and out until we had a super-winning combination.  Given a choice, I group with the guys putting out crazy DPS every time. But I still can't figure out what's going on with all the quitting.  Are these 1-shot quitters like that Chess Champion who could foresee a distant unfavorable outcome - and therefore just quit immediately rather than continue? Or did their modem suddenly explode? Why join a random heroic and then immediately leave before even one fight?  It makes no sense to me.

If you're guilty doing of this, I'd be VERY interested in hearing from you in the comments. What is going on - why join and then quit? Why quit after one wipe?  I promise not to be judgmental (see the halo I'm wearing?) - you know from reading my posts just how ABSOLUTELY FAIR AND UNBIASED all of my posts are. So go ahead a write to me all about it!

Mortigan the EXTREMELY Patient

Disappointing Tankie

I completed Zul'Aman last night for the first time, and did NOT have much fun - not because of game content, but because of the tank.  He seemed deeply interested in commenting on my performance throughout.  The group was well-geared overall, which means that trash dies quickly - before I can complete a rotation.  I don't know about you and your setup, but for me, an incomplete rotation results in DPS of about 9K.  Our illustrious tank did not waste any time in speaking up:

"That's some very unsexy DPS Morg."

Didn't even get my name right. It's Mort. Or Morty. Mortigan. Or unfortunately now Mortigann (as spelled on Medivh-US due to my name already being taken there.)

My response was passive. "The Trash is dying too fast. But I can leave if you'd like."  I figured it would be best to leave if tankie planned to do any more typing. I just no longer have the tolerance to put up with crap from players. If he wants to complain about me, he should start a blog.

And for the record, if you don't believe that the speed of something dying affects DPS, go back to a starter zone and start killing mobs in one shot. Have a look at your DPS. If you're still doing the same DPS as you are on a Heroic Boss, I'll eat my Cowl of Pleasant Gloom.  My very educated guess is that your DPS will drop to a few thousand. (Mine is generally 2K to 4K depending on how low level the mobs are.)

But I digress. As soon as we found something that could live long enough for me to set on fire, my DPS was up to a comfortable 11.5K. 

"That's more like it."

Unbeknownst to him, I was doing absolutely NOTHING different. We'd just found something that could live through an entire rotation.  And I neither asked for his approval, nor felt better for having it.

We made our way through Zul'Aman quickly, with very few glitches. Most wipes were on trash rather than bosses.  During one boss fight, tankie died, and I tried to battle rez him with my Soul Stone. But I died too soon to accomplish the task, and we wiped. Once again, tankie had words for me.

"No SS on Healer?"

Sorry, that's so 4.0.  This is 4.1, and we battle rez now. Yeah, sometimes it backfires. Like this time.  I explained that my attempt to rez him failed.

"We have 2 DKs that can brez. Put SS on Healer."

Well, smarty, then why weren't they (or the healer) brezzing you? But I didn't say that. Because I'm married an no longer have any balls.

"k"

So I went back to the old school of SSing the healer. And it paid off for the rest of the run in that we could always get a rez.  So maybe I'll stop battle rezzing and go back to the old way.  Honestly I don't give a crap either way, so long as people don't complain.  Complaining KILLS MY BUZZ.

Thoughout Zul'Aman, my DPS yo-yo'ed from 11K to 13K. Numbers I am happy with. But apparently tankie wasn't. After downing the last boss, and coming in 2nd on DPS with 14K, his final comment to me was this:

"Thanks, guys. Mort - check out Affliction."

I just did 14K, you jerk-off. But I didn't say that. He had already left the group.

And my REAL response to tankie's final comment will be rather unconventional. And it won't even be written by me. I'll simply copy paste from A Short English Essay written by Michael Kiske (former front-man of Helloween), in which he talks at length about his religious beliefs, but I'll apply a few very profound comments here:

...everything we do in our lives without freedom is not done by us, it's done with or through us by other people or forces. Freedom is the fundament* of everything that is morally true in our lives. Without freedom it's not our morals, it's the "morality" of others making us puppets of those others.
*I believe he means "foundation" - Michael is German, and so this word may have been mangled in translation.

So, Mr. Tankie, if I go affliction simply because YOU think my DPS would be better, it just makes me a puppet of what YOU want, and I'm not going to do that.  I was affliction up to level 80, and had fun playing it, but at this point, I enjoy Destruction more, even if the DPS might be slightly lower (which I question anyway.  I'm NOT uber-geared. My item level is only 352 at this point.)

I'm going to play the game the way I want to play it. They way I like. A way that is fun for me. If it's not fun, I'm not doing it. I'd rather go read. Or sequence music that no one but me wants to listen to. Or take pictures of my daughter. I'm simply NOT changing my ways for someone else. Period.

Goodbye, Tankie, thank you for a successful, joyless run.

Mortigan of the Disappointing DPS

How Mortigan Got His Groove Back

"Someone said he who knows he knows, knows nothing yeah
He who knows he knows nothing really knows
But I have searched and I never could find
A way to make my true self unwind
And while I sit here waiting to die
I can see what I am, can tell you why..."
- Spooky Tooth, Hangman Hang My Shell On A Tree

I thought I knew about all about stat priority. And gems and enchants. And Reforging.  Seemed pretty simple... especially since I never bothered to do any real digging into the subject.  In case I haven't left enough clues already, I'll just come out and say it: I don't pay much attention to the details. And the Devil, unfortunately for me, is in the details. 

I've been monkeying around with things too much lately.  I've collected several shoulders, robes, rings, and whatnot, and I've been swapping them in and out in an attempt to create separate gear sets for Heroics and Raiding.  I had assumed (without doing any proper research, or course) that I wouldn't need much Hit in Heroics. I planned to use gear that was heavy on Haste and Crit, but light on Hit.  I figured doing so would give me faster, bigger hits, and overall increase my DPS on Heroic trash. It seemed like a really good plan, but in execution, performed terribly. The more I monkeyed around, the worse my DPS got. I watched my Heroic Trash DPS drop from 10K to 8K. Might as well wear my Wrath Purples at that point. I hit the training dummies last night (without using elixirs) and confirmed 8K DPS. ABSOLUTELY WRETCHED.  I had been previously been doing better with worse gear.

I needed help. Someone to look over my gear, tell me what I screwed up, and what I needed to do to fix it. So I climbed the mountain to speak to the all-knowing Oracle (Google), and discovered www.askmrrobot.com.  Mr. Robot said he could help. I decided to trust him. After all, it was easier to trust him than do real research on Elitist Jerks or Warlock's Den - both of which I can only tolerate after a long comforting visit with every Warlock's best friend, Mr. Chivas Regal. Anyway, Mr. Robot decided that I should enchant and reforge for Hit and Haste, in that order. Throw out some purple and yellow gems for more red Brilliant Infernos. I followed Mr. Robot's advice like a... ummm... robot. Did everything he said, just like he said to do it. My mind kept saying, "This is really dumb," but also "it's not expensive to put it back," and "your DPS was going down the toilet anyway." So I just went for it.  When I was done, I was very near the Hit Cap. Haste was nearly 2% down from where it was, and Crit 3% down. "Boy, the giant sucking sound from THIS set-up is going to be heard all the way to Nagrand," I thought as I headed over to the Training Dummies.

And then I proceeded to set the Dummy on fire, and something magical happened. The DPS gods smiled upon Morty, and I found myself immediately edging up to 12K DPS without elixirs.  Downing a few elixirs or Flask of the Draconic Mind would have easily pushed me beyond the 12K mark, and in a decent group with some buffs thrown in, I could SET THE WORLD ON FIRE!  And these numbers are without all the best enchants that Mr. Robot recommended (it will cost me another 10K to upgrade all gear - donations welcome!).

So Cowls off to you, Mr. Robot. You ROCK!  My next step is to swap out some of my other gear that is already hit-heavy (the stuff I was saving for raids), optimize it on Mr. Robot again, and test against my current set-up. A good project for tonight.

I also finally became a Transmutation Master last night.  I had periodically seen guys in Stormwind yelling about how they're Transmutation Masters, but I never got around to looking into the matter.  But last night I was recruited by a guildie hungry for some Elementium Deathplate, and he needed PILES of Truegold to get it done. Discovering my Truegold was off Cooldown, he was willing to invest in me becoming a Transmutation Master in exchange for the Truegold. Sounded like a plan to me.  He helped figure out what I needed to do, and within a few minutes, the deal was done.  I was able to generate Truegold x2 for him. A couple other Alchemists later, and he was forging his Deathplate.

So regemmed, reenchanted, and reforged with much better DPS and Transmutation Master to top it off, Mortigan is back on top! If you need to get YOUR groove back, you just might want to ASK MR. ROBOT.

EDIT: Read TheGrumpyElf's reply to this post. His additional info friggin better than my original content.

Mortigan the Grooved Again

How to PUG Heroically

Man, I love a good PUG. The bad ones are OK, too. And these days, Blizzard will even reward you for loving PUGs.  First you get the title "the Patient" - which is easy enough to get for all you impatient people, then you get the Perky Pug companion (you only need to group with 100 people to get him).  I didn't like my Perky Pug very much at first. He was a typical yappy little dog. But when he started scooting around in circles, wiping his butt on the ground, it was instant love. COOLEST PET EVER!

I keep forgetting to check if there's a stat available for how many people - or even how many PUGs - Mortigan has grouped.  It's exponentially more than the 100 I've recently run to get the Perky Pug, that's for sure.  Thinking about the total number has me thinking - I'd don't group very much with guildies. I don't raid much, either. But I PUG the heck out of Heroics. And so I thought I'd try to pass on a few gems of wisdom I've gleaned from my vast expertise in pugging heroics.

Let's get started.

1.  Go pee. Don't need to? Do it anyway. Run the faucet a minute real slow. Ahhhhhhhhhh.

2.  These days, the 5 minutes of buffing, drinking, eating, making potions, and knitting socks at the start of a dungeon is OVER. When the Dungeon Finder drops you face-first into whatever random gauntlet of torture it has selected for you, you'd better be ready to roll. You might get one or two buffs on the fly, but don't count on it.  Be as absolutely self-reliant as possible.  These days, I drink my potions about 5 minutes BEFORE my queue-time hits the average wait time (which with Patch 4.1 can mean drinking immediately after queueing - hooray!) By hitting the bottles early, I'm not going to be fishing around in Haris Pilton's Gigantique Bag (yes, OF COURSE I bought one!) looking for the right potions.  I also make sure I got my Imp Karuri out and ready; Soulstone and Healthstone created, and all repairs done.

3.  If you land in a Heroic you've never been in (which can easily happen due to limitations on which instances an 85 can enter in normal mode, coupled with the Dungeon Tool's extreme preference for making you run Halls of Origination over and over), announce your lack of experience to your party.  Do it in a professional manner. Or at least with style. I prefer to say, "Please be gentle. It's my first time... in here."  I've never been booted yet.  Of course, I've also run out of opportunities to use that fantastic line.  But I've never booted anyone else for not knowing the fights, either.  For the most part, you don't really need to know the fights so long as you pay attention to the general rules.  More about that in a bit.

4.  Kiss up to the healer. Sure, my last blog post was a big rant about some healers I've run into lately... but I wasn't in a GROUP with one of them while typing that up, either! A healer is always your new best friend, even if you'll likely never see him/her again. So kiss up. I like to bestow a little Dark Intent on them, to periodically improve their speed.  It's a nice gesture, and also eliminates me having to figure out who in the group could actually benefit MOST out of Dark Intent. They had it all worked out with flowcharts and diagrams on Elitist Jerks, but my mind went completely numb before I could absorb it.  So the Healer gets it automatically, and I get good vibes in return.  During the fights, throw in a compliment here and there. "Great Heals!"  You can even throw a 'z' and a few extra exclamation points on it to forge an illusion of youth (if you're old like me): "Great Healz!!!"

5.  Ask "Anything special to know about this boss?" if you don't know the fight, but overall, don't sweat it.  Pay attention to WoW's general mechanics instead.  Whether it's a big rock about to smash you, an underground spike about to impale you, or an explosion of fiery lava about to roast you, there is always a warning hint: The shadow of the rock, rumbling loose shaky ground where the spike is going to appear, or a glowing red spot of impending lava. FRIGGIN MOVE. Stay out of the fire. Keep away from black steaming pools of nastiness. Use your common sense. This will get you through 80% of all boss fights.  For those 20% that have special mechanics, such as those requiring you to stand in a specific spot to avoid death, yes, you just have to learn it. If you asked but didn't get a reply, you can watch the fight as a corpse. You'll know what to do next time.

6.  Say something. The new Dungeon Finder is perpetuating an aura of silence in the groups.  Time to breathe some life into it again.  Personally, I like to use my death emotes, including the ever-popular "Mortigan casts a final Incinerate and screams, "This one's for all the pretty Unicorns!" just before I am pounded into goo during a wipe.  Be yourself, have fun, but stop the silence!

7.  Never give up, never surrender.  NEVER quit after 1 wipe, even if you're obviously in the WORST GROUP EVER. Grow a spine, suck it up, stick it out.  At least for a little longer.  You'll be surprised how much you can learn by not being a quitter at the first sign of trouble. 

8.  Stop arguing.  Berating someone for not playing well doesn't make you a hero, it makes you a shmuck.  After 10 or so wipes in Zul'Aman the other night, the healer (and party leader) refused to requeue us unless we forced the tank (who admittedly wasn't very good) to quit the group.  Booting said healer for refusing to let us requeue was the highlight of the evening - a real feel-good moment for us and a guaranteed surprise to that healer's over-inflated ego.  I'd MUCH rather group with a poor player than a poor sport. So if you feel like you need to tell someone how much they suck, find your spine and chew on it. Or start a blog.

Mortigan the Puglicious