Mortigan the Worgen

This weekend, I did the unthinkable - I joined the Alliance. Until very recently, even the THOUGHT of going Ally was enough to send me back into my grave to roll over in it. I've been as Hordish as Horde gets - a bond that has only been superceded by being one of the Forsaken, which did mean that occasionally we would simply try to kill EVERYONE and not just Allies.  (I have very fond memories of dumping enough toxic sludge in the Dragonblight to take out both the Ally and Horde armies, and almost drop Arthas in the process.)

It was not an easy decision to join the Alliance, but doing so would mean getting to play with old Guild Buddies who are honestly the closest thing to real life friends that ol' Morty has got. And at least the Alliance now have Worgen, which opens up the possibility of destroying whole villages with nothing but teeth and claws. Good times await!

"But how does an Undead creature like myself become a Worgen?" I asked. Turns out, the butcher-doctors down in Undercity's Apothecarium are up for the task!  (They're always interested in experimenting on people.) So I headed back to my beloved hometown - the Undercity. If you haven't been there, it's very nice. You should visit in springtime - the smell from the sewers is absolutely exquisite!

My first and perhaps most important task was to gaze one last time upon the eternally-smoking hotness of Lady Sylvanas, my most beloved Banshee Queen. I have died many times in her service, and many more times attempting to protect she-of-the-lovely-red-eyes from Ally invasions. Here is a lovely picture of our last moments together. And no, I'm NOT short - I have a bad spine that keeps me hunched over all the time.

After a bittersweet goodbye, it was off to the Apothecarium to talk with Doctor Martin Felben about my surgery to become a Worgen:

I had several important questions:

1. Can he do it?
2. How much Gold would it cost?
3. Is he qualified to perform such a major operation?

The talk went VERY well. Doctor Martin Felben assured me that he could do it.  He had everything he needed right there in his hands - a Vial of the toxic sludge from our beautiful river to knock me out, and a bloody meat cleaver which he would use to perform the operation. And he wouldn't even charge me any gold - something about finally getting some real experience or some such. It all sounded great so far!

As for his qualifications, the esteemed Doctor Martin Felben assured me that he had reached the rank of Apprentice, and was very confident that everything would go along smoothly.

So I laid down on Doctor Felben's top-quality operating table and let him get to work!

Sadly, there were complications during the surgery. The female Tauren shown above - an Unregistered Nurse assisting in the operation - had to be sacrificed to satisfy part of Doctor Felben's arcane ritual, and apparently I needed a new spleen. Two birds with one stone!

I woke up very groggy.  A few punches to the face from some unwanted Orc Overseers helped bring me around. I was being drug out of Undercity.  They threw me out out of the main gate and gave warning that if I ever returned, they'd kill me. Or try to, anyway. I looked at my hands, and where withered bones had once been, I saw the large claws of a Worgen. Everything I had once been was now gone.  My moment of disgrace:

And now I'm starting to get used to my new body. The teeth. The claws. Even the Blue Tabard of Stormwind.

And the Horde is going to pay and pay and pay!

Mortigan the Flealess

A Letter of Resignation to the Sons of Hodir

For anyone who spent a large chunk of their life running Sons of Hodir dailies for the shoulder enchants, this one is dedicated to you. I'm reposting it as I stare a large pile of Deepholm dailies square in the eye, and find myself wondering if I'll be handing the same sort of letter to the Stonemother, Queen Therazane, in the very near future.



Dear Sirs,

I am hereby writing to you to give you my formal resignation. Monday will be my last day serving as your horribly-underpaid employee. I have toiled every day for you for many weeks now, and it has NOT been fun.

I’m tired of feeding Arngrim. After Monday, he needs to find his own Jormungars. If he’s too feeble, he should find some softer food to chew, like Gnomes. I’ve seen quite a few buzzing around like flies right there in Dun Neffelem - let him eat those.

If you want Hodir’s helm oiled, well sirs, you’re going to have to go into that bear cave and get your own oil. I don’t care if you’re too big to fit. Go on a diet, or just let the stupid helm rust, I don’t care.

As for those invisible infiltrators, well, it doesn’t look to me like you guys have ANYTHING to protect or hide in that empty ice-hole you call home, so let them spy all they want - I’m not stepping in any more ghostly worg poop just to find some spies for you.

I’ve already brought you a mount of scrap iron, and killed enough Brittle Revenants that they must surely be close to extinction. I feel sorry for them - find some other way to cool off your scrap iron. And by the way, what exactly are you using all that metal for? It doesn’t seem to me that you’ve built ANYTHING with the hundreds of pieces I brought you. Time to put that anvil to use that I (yes, once again it was me) brought to you. Apparently all of you together couldn’t walk down the road and get it yourself. But now you have it, and you have the metal, so get to work.

And as for your forefathers, I’m not releasing them any more after Monday. They can walk around on that frozen battleground until the stars burn out for all I care.

And finally, I’m sure you’ve all had a good laugh at watching me fall to my death over and over as I attempt to kill a Wild Wyrm for you. I’m sure you get a big kick out of watching a cloth-covered Warlock try to survive without any useful spells, potions, or decent weapons. Well sirs, yuck it up all you want, because I’m NOT doing that stupid quest for you. Find some other shmuck to laugh at.

So come Monday, you’d better have my frigging Shoulder Enchants ready and waiting. Because I’m not standing around while you guys finally do some work yourselves. Have it ready when I get there. After I get my enchants, you will never, ever see me again.

Your soon-to-be-ex-employee,
Mortigan

PS - I hate you.

The Cheating Assist

I don't read my quests very closely.  I often completely overlook the main story to get to business portion of the contract: Who do I have to kill and how much gold and treasure do I get for doing so? 

So I jump straight to the bottom: Kill 6 Uber-nasty Mutated Death Giants. Clicking the map shows these soon-to-be-incinerated giants (whose names are likely far overhyped) just a short distance away.  I should have this quest done in 5 minutes or less, earn 8 gold and get some new blue bikini underwear (+50 to Spirit and Stamina! Mrs. Mortigan will be pleased!).

So after carefully choosing my mount for inducing maximum jealousy among others nearby that may be watching, I make a straight shot for the Uber-nasty Mutated Death Giants.  There is already some other Warlock there - one of those super-lazy Demonology Locks who lets his Felguard do all the real work while he sits back and has a picnic - and his Felguard is killing said Uber-nasties quite easily.

I race past him to the next obvious Uber-nasty and quickly blast it with a Soulburned Soulfire to get his attention.  "Good, he's noticed me." I say to myself.  Mr. Uber-nasty comes over to talk about me setting him on fire.  I'm already working on my next spell to immolate him as thoroughly as possible. I'll show that lazy Demonology Lock how we REAL WARLOCKS* do it.

Suddenly the world is in black and white, and I'm standing in a graveyard.  Apparently, I've been pounded into goo.  Perhaps I should review the particulars outlined in the quest:

Thank you, Mortigan! I knew we could count on you.  Use this magic toenail clipper to create a hangnail on the big toe of 6 Uber-nasty Mutated Death Giants, and while they're distracted by the pain caused by the sharp, jagged edge of their nail poking into their tender toe-skin, kill them.

AHHH. I have to clip their toenails before I set them on fire. Got it!

So after recovering my corpse, I try out the magic toenail clipper.  The Uber-nasty Mutant Death Giant howls in pain when I clip his toe, and then completely ignores the next two minutes of me cooking the flesh off of him with hellfire and brimstone.  I drop him without a scratch on me.  The next 5 die just as easily.

I should feel victorious, but somehow, the victory feels hollow and meaningless. The assistance I received from the toenail clipper comes too close to cheating.  After all, I certainly couldn't kill Mr. Uber Nasty on my own, and he was far too easy with the clipper in play.  But as I slip on my new blue bikini underwear and feel that firm support, I'll find some way to make myself feel better about things.

Mortigan of the Snug Fit.

*Real Warlocks are those who spec DESTRUCTION. Props go out to Affliction locks whose rotation is too complicated to comprehend, and who don't get to enjoy the satisfaction of their enemies burning to death in fire.

A Single Set Of Rules On How To Raid ANYTHING

I find it terribly hard to remember all the nuances of each boss fight. Sorry, but I'm just not hard-core enough to memorize who casts what, and I really don't care if Pixie McNixie in the bottom of some hole is planning to fear me, sheep me, or chop me in half with a big heavy axe. Why? Because overall things are pretty much the same from one boss to the next, so I figured I could come up with a single set of rules on how to raid ANYTHING. I've appropriately named these rules "A Single Set Of Rules On How To Raid ANYTHING."

Getting Ready:
Many people go to YouTube and watch Tankspot videos to familiarize themselves with the fights. This is a waste of time, because all you really need are my simple rules. Not 100% sure? Here are some additional reasons for skipping the videos:

1. Those people in the videos are ELITE WIZARDS and your raid team is not going to do anywhere near as well as them. It's like watching an Olympic gold medalist do the ski jump and then trying it yourself. Forget about it.

2. There are less steps to preparing your taxes than there are to most boss fights. Watching Tankspot explain it on YouTube will only give you a headache. Your guild is going to wipe on it anyway, so no need to give yourself a migraine. Skip the video and use my rules below!

LET'S RAID!
Ok, so here is my Single Set Of Rules On How To Raid ANYTHING:

1. DO NOT stand in anything that wasn't there before the fight started, if it visually looks dangerous. This includes fire, black steaming circles of nastiness, green slimy stuff, purple ooze, etc. If you are not sure, stand in it for a second and see if your health goes down. If it does, MOVE.

2. DEFINITELY DO stand in anything that wasn't there before the fight started, if it visually looks beneficial. This includes pleasant rays of fairy moonlight, air with lightning bug / glittery things in it, shiny sparkly spots on the floor, or anything else that a 3 year old girl might want to color. If you are not sure, stand in it for a second. If nothing bad happens, definitely keep standing in it because it MUST be doing something good.

3. Do the following based on your function:

Tank: Attack the boss with everything you got. Keep doing this and don't stop until your healer drags you away screaming at you, "STOP! STOP! HE'S DEAD ALREADY!"

Heal: Keep healing until everyone is either dead and blaming you, or the boss is dead. In the latter case, it is your job to drag the tank away from the bloody corpse.

DPS: Do the same as the tank, but wait a fraction of a second before doing so. This way, if you get aggro, you can blame the Tank. Otherwise, he will blame you. That fraction of a second makes all the difference on who gets blamed for the wipe. Use it wisely. Now this next part is important: If adds arrive, you need to make a visual check of how dangerous they look. If they look like they can be ignored, stay on the boss. If they look really nasty, switch to the add. Simple! Or you can always fall back on the "watch what everyone else is doing and copy them" strategy, but I'm training you to be a trailblazer, so get in there and blaze that trail!

Off Tank: You're on the adds. Someday, if you ever become cool enough or geared enough, the guild might let you be a REAL tank. But probably not anytime soon. So stick to adds. And if you run like a madman all over the map with a trail of adds behind you, creating a hellish conga-line of death, all the DPSers are going to HATE YOU. So keep your butt in one spot, take your beating, and suck it up.

4. DO NOT stand in a Boss' AOE. The crap raining down on your head should be an obvious sign that it's time to pack up and move.

5. Should a boss fight require you to operate some sort of vehicle, land mount, or drake, randomly mash buttons as fast as the cool-downs allow. Generally, Button 1 is the biggie one to mash, so mash it more than the others. No one's really going to notice if you did well or not, so just mash, mash, mash! You're a pro!

6. If you get aggro, run TOWARD your teammates, not away from them. It's the surest way to get rid of that unwanted boss who's taken serious notice of you. Ideally, run toward (and right through) a mage. Mages are a big, big help with getting rid of aggro. If you're cool enough to be a warlock like me, you can even strategically position yourself right next to a mage throughout the fight, and Soulshatter as needed. Be sure to turn toward the mage when Soulshattering, so that you can watch the look on his face when the boss 1-shots him. If you're a mage, disregard everything I've just said, and take one for the team.

7. The laws of the universe that govern comic books, video games, and science fiction in general require that twins ALWAYS have some sort of symbiotic relationship, and a special power will CERTAINLY exist between them. Therefore, any time there are twin bosses (or even twin adds if they're extremely dangerous looking), they MUST be killed simultaneously. Very bad things happen when one twin witnesses the death of the other. Heed my warning, and kill any and all twins at the same time. Further, they cannot be allowed to touch each other or send each other any kind of glowing orb, ray beam, soothing rainbow, etc. You don't want the wonder-twins activating ANYTHING. So keep them apart, kill them apart, and do it at the same time.

If you follow these simple rules, you're sure to be a success at your next raid. I advise you to print this out and keep it handy. Review it during the boring buff periods before raiding, or when the tank is back in town begging for another healer. And be sure to stop back by and let me know how it went! Happy raiding!

Your buddy,
Mortigan the Lock.

Back From The Dead

After a little more than a year in the cold, cold ground, I've returned from the dead.  Cataclysm calls.

And I immediately find myself horribly out of date, wearing last year's fashion.  But what I can't fathom at all, is how in the heck does a stupid level 80 mutant lobster that I charred into oblivion before even finishing my rotation drop a green item that is somehow far better than the super-rare purple item I won in a random roll after 20 of us spent a nail-biting hour killing a nasty, nasty raid boss in the bottom of some hole?!

Part of me says, "HOORAY! NEW GEAR FOR ME!" but the other part says, "YOU MEAN I DID ALL THAT WORK TO GEAR UP, AND ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS WAIT, COME HERE, AND KILL LOBSTER-BOY?!"

I can tell I'm going to have a LOT to talk about.

Mortigan the Resurrected.